First wednesday of the month, so today is IWSG!
Today is the kind of gray, slithy day (sort of brillig, you know?) that needs some hot chocolate and a fire. Preferably with marshmallows and wire hangars (remember those?).
I've been feeling rather insecure for a while now. I had my writing year, and for various reasons I decided not to look for another job yet. Now my savings are almost exhausted and I still don't have any income from my writing.
But I continue to feel that there's something out there for me. So I dither, and continue to write. I've set a limit for myself--I need to start looking for a job in January. I really don't want to go back to benefits administration, but that's what I know. I have no doubt that I could step back into that world and work there for the rest of my life.
I don't want to, but my brain (stupid thing) thinks that's the best option. Go with what you know.
But I want to write.
I've been considering self-publishing for a while now. I have stories I've never sent to a publisher or an agent (as useless as that's been) because they're too short. I still think of them as novels, but the world says otherwise.
Self-publishing is a massive step into the unknown. At this point it feels larger than the step of quitting my job to write, although that one felt overwhelming enough at the time.
I remember making the decision to quit my job, the hours of worrying and praying that went into that decision. At the end, it came down to one very basic decision--yes or no. Jump or don't jump.
I jumped. I made a decision that has been the best decision of my life to this point. So now it's time for another decision. Jump or don't. I can't have it both ways. Choosing not to make a choice is the same as choosing "no."
So I move one step at a time into the dark, praying that the ground will stay under my feet, and each time I take a step I can see just that little bit further into the dark.
And what I see scares me to death.
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
in Return to Love
Often mistakenly attributed to Nelson Mandela