Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Easumshunz (read it aloud)

I know the topic must be a dead bore to many of you by this time, but last week was the final week of my writing year. (If you want more on that go here.)

I was thinking about it earlier this week--I need to start looking for a job--and I realized that I started this year with the assumption that I would need to go back into the job market at the end of it. The whole time I talked about making plans and figuring out a way not to go back, and those stupid assumptions derailed me.

On top of that, I slid back into the old trap of assuming that if I found a way it would be someone else's action that would give me the out I was looking for.

Somehow I managed to hide that from myself (or at least refused to acknowledge it) for 12 months.

I am an expert at hiding things from myself. Like the spelling of the title, if I mangle it enough I can refuse its existance.

Part of the problem is that I come from a long line of insecure people, who refuse to acknowledge their greatness and consider this refusal a strength. So books, poetry, art, inventions, research, all languish in notebooks or drawers and never see the light of day.

Not that I'm blaming my own failures on them, but it helps a little to know where it comes from. It's absolutely no excuse when I fall into the same traps!

Over and over again.

Taking action a year ago was a massive step into the dark and took more courage than I ever thought I would have. Now I'm at the edge of the same precipice. I guess I need to learn something, because the same pattern keeps repeating.

I may not know how to get rid of the attitudes, but if I am going to win, I need to act. Again.

18 comments:

  1. The best thing we can do is keep moving forward. It's hard to start over, but think of it as a life building experience rather than a let down. If you're working or not working it doesn't matter because as long as you're dedicated good things will happen! I believe in you!

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  2. Act, Lauren, act! You can do it!

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  3. I think just by making this realization and sharing it publicly, you have taken a huge step in your transformation process.

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    1. At least now I can get to work solving the problem.

      Lauren

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  4. I don't think there's a failure inherent in going back to work. Even most published authors have day jobs. There's no such thing as a hermit writer who never ventures outside. Good writing comes from life experience and you have to be willing to get them.

    I hope you find a job...

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    1. Not a failure--I just don't want to go back. The problem is the fact that I didn't do what I could to come up with an alternative.

      I will have a day job, regardless. That's a given, as I need to make a living. I just want it to be something I enjoy.

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  5. I'd love to quit my day job to stay home and write. I may get bored with that. I enjoy my day job, but wish I had more time to dedicate to writing.

    Something always lacks somewhere. I hope you find something you enjoy Lauren. That is key to earning a living; gotta like what you do, or at least the people you work with.

    .......dhole

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    1. I thought I might get bored with it, but I didn't. 8 to 12 hours a day six days a week for a full year, and I still love it.

      Lauren

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  6. It can be hard to take action. Especially if it's not an immediate imperative.

    Good luck finding a job!

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    1. I got a call this morning from my old company, asking me to come back...

      That's going to be a hard decision.

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  7. I think just being aware that there is a problem is the first step, finding the source is the second. They help make it possible to fix it. I have my own issues and I'm well aware of them and the sources, so it comes down to fixing them. Easier said than done.

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    1. Until we know, we just run around saying "What's wrong?" but without the ability to fix it.

      Lauren

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  8. I've lived most of my life dreaming. Now I'm trying to take action and make those dreams come. That can be a scary thing cuz if you fail you can't blame it on anyone else. On the other hand, it's the only way you'll ever succeed!

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    1. Very true. But if you don't succeed because you didn't try, that's on you as well.

      That's a hard lesson to learn.

      Lauren

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  9. Hi Lauren - thanks for reading and commenting on my blog :-)
    Good luck with the day job - I hope you find something that gets you excited! I think if I gave up work to write it would paralyse me - although the day job is a pain, it's necessary financially and it also forces me to be organised and do an hour or so writing (more if poss) on 5 days of the week because that's the only time I can! Giving up a job was very brave and going back is no indication of defeat or failure. I wish you the best of luck in everything - maybe your head just wasn't in the right place at the time x

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    1. Thanks for visiting, and double thanks for following me!

      Right now I'm working on starting my own business. Hopefully that will be up by the end of September.

      Lauren

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