Easumshunz (read it aloud)

I know the topic must be a dead bore to many of you by this time, but last week was the final week of my writing year. (If you want more on that go here.)

I was thinking about it earlier this week--I need to start looking for a job--and I realized that I started this year with the assumption that I would need to go back into the job market at the end of it. The whole time I talked about making plans and figuring out a way not to go back, and those stupid assumptions derailed me.

On top of that, I slid back into the old trap of assuming that if I found a way it would be someone else's action that would give me the out I was looking for.

Somehow I managed to hide that from myself (or at least refused to acknowledge it) for 12 months.

I am an expert at hiding things from myself. Like the spelling of the title, if I mangle it enough I can refuse its existance.

Part of the problem is that I come from a long line of insecure people, who refuse to acknowledge their greatness and consider this refusal a strength. So books, poetry, art, inventions, research, all languish in notebooks or drawers and never see the light of day.

Not that I'm blaming my own failures on them, but it helps a little to know where it comes from. It's absolutely no excuse when I fall into the same traps!

Over and over again.

Taking action a year ago was a massive step into the dark and took more courage than I ever thought I would have. Now I'm at the edge of the same precipice. I guess I need to learn something, because the same pattern keeps repeating.

I may not know how to get rid of the attitudes, but if I am going to win, I need to act. Again.